Closure.

Human beings don't treat other human beings this way

Well its over and now life goes on. After discovering the person I married was not the person I married over these last few months I've also found people are more willing to speak to me about things I didn't know had been going on including her having had an affair(s). These last few weeks I've felt like such an idiot. That these things were happening more than 2 years ago and like a fool I trusted. She also took complete advantage of my trusting in the settlement but in that too life goes on. I guess now I've gained some enlightenment, better it happened this way than finding out when you're still in love. At least this way the divorce seems somewhat worth it knowing what I know now .... its cliche but only thing I can say is at least I have Maddie. Even though I often find myself dazing at Maddie thinking I failed her. I still haven't told her I know about the cheating but I suppose she'll find out if she reads the blog. Reality used to be a friend of mine.

I found these Divorce Care series of emails a few months back when looking into things like christian divorce support groups and Im amazed how accurate they are in dealing with the emotions that go along with divorce and dealing with them as a christian. Unfortunately reading and putting these things into action sometimes are near impossible like avoiding feelings of wanting to get back and avoiding the urge to try to start a new relationship. This week it was something along the lines of learning to be happy alone before trying to be happy with someone else. Alone since I've been in relationships for the last 8+ years feels near impossible but Im starting to adjust a bit. That doesn't mean I don't fail in the trying but Im working on it. Im not perfect.

Training

Far as training goes its been non-existent. I finally got my bike into the shop this week having to get the aerobars replaced and other misc fixes post accident. I've been keeping in decent shape doing the P90X workouts and surfing. Surfing is my new passion and Im doing it 8+ hours a week..pretty much any time I don't have Maddie and am not working. Im still not any good at it and I know those little punk kids that have been doing it since they were born are out there laughing at me for being a "poser" but I don't care. Its an amazing workout for my back/shoulders/core Im sore after almost every session mostly because Im doing far more paddling than surfing. Which make it perfect cross training for swimming. I was really hoping to do Ironman again this year but Im outside the window of opportunity. With Maddie switching every 3 days the schedule is a killer on consistancy so will be sticking out the sprints.

Church

Once again I began to feel like a number at my church...as though I didn't exist much as I attended and participated I think all of 3 people might have known my name...as a kid I always remember the churches we attended it always felt like family and somewhere along the line I've lost that and perhaps my expectations were too high. I don't know what to do. I continue to study my Bible and pray fervently but Im desperate for fellowship and to surround myself with those that love the Lord and I just cannot seem to accomplish this. Maybe its me. Maybe the Lord is telling me I need him and not other people?

I read this back and all I see is blah blah blah ME blah blah blah ME blah blah blah ME. What is this a pity party? I think what happens when Im in a good mood I find stuff to do when Im sad I WRITE and here I am dumping on the interweb ;)